Today the fog lifted a bit more. I am still not feeling well, but I am better than I was last Thursday, which was the worst day in this current episode of depression. I made it to church yesterday and enjoyed my time of solitude for the rest of the day.
One of my concerns is that I still feel somewhat numb spiritually. I looked forward to the Sunday message, but felt nothing sitting in the seat. It hasn’t resonated with me yet and I want to feel the joy and the challenge that I had become accustomed to feeling at my church. I wanted that joyful uneasiness, that peace with discomfort that challenged me and motivated me to reach further, dig deeper, and explore old beliefs that may need to be changed.
Among the conversations I had yesterday was with a friend who emphasized the importance of community. This is something that has been lost on me when I have been in the darkest, deepest place in depression. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I tend to assume that everyone who might be helpful is too busy or unavailable to help me. That might be the case, of course, but I don’t reach out to anyone to find out if help is available. Part of my reticence is the belief that someone like me tends to bother people rather than contribute to their day. I know that I am high maintenance, at least that is the message that I have received from others in the past. Perhaps everyone is high maintenance at times.
The truth is I do have a vibrant and concerned community of friends and Jesus followers who care about me, who have given me their contact information and encouraged me to use it. The challenge for me when I am in this pit of confusion, darkness and paranoia is to reach out when I do not feel like it.
Today, though, was a good day. I managed to get out of the apartment. I allowed myself to procrastinate about laundry until Wednesday when I have the whole day to complete the task. I am not feeling really happy at this moment and realize that I could easily slide back into the pit of depression if I am not careful and remain focused. One of the ministers at my church sent me a YouTube link this morning. It is the Christian song: I am no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God.